Ianto's Soundtrack
by jekyllhj7
Summary: A series of one shot stories based on various songs. Not songfic.
1. 1 Do I Hold You?

_**Ianto's Soundtrack**_

_A/N - I'm really trying to get back into writing. And what do I choose? A fandom I haven't really been a part of for almost 2 years. Yes, I quit TW after Day 4 of CoE. I still haven't watched an episode since so please forgive any inconsistencies in the details. I felt so connected to Ianto (his quietness, his separateness, his strength etc) I am not a fan of Jack or Gwen so why bother continuing to watch. _

_Anyway, I did this for another fandom so I figured I'd give it a go. _

_The premise: Music is a big part of my life. Usually songs trigger a scene or a memory. Each chapter will be a self contained story based around a particular song. They aren't song fics. The story will be based around a scene or a feeling I get from a particular song and will go from there. Hope this works. _

**Do I Hold You?  
**The song is from the musical "Rage of the Heart"

Once again I find myself ensconced in the archives. Avoidance seems to be my best defense. I escape down here because I don't know how to act. Should I act as if nothing is happening? When you came back from Estelle's house, I saw how upset you were. Should I have comforted you? Should I have put my hand on your shoulder as you touched me the other night?

It's not like we haven't done anything. But is it only that or should it be more? At times I feel like I sense a bit of tenderness, but then it is gone and I wonder if it had only been a projection of my own dreams of a caring relationship with another person. I don't even know if you're what I want or if it is just convenient.

After Gwen started that stupid game of "who was your last kiss", was it a mistake that I said Lisa. I know I did it to hurt them, but when I saw your face I know I had hurt you as well. You had made a joke out of your answer so I didn't know how I was supposed to answer.

When Susie died the second time, I knew you took the guilt upon yourself. I didn't know what to do then… where we stood. Even now I can't believe I managed to proposition you over a co-worker's dead body. Was that just a release or was it more?

Then when you called me after John died. I came to the garage. I knew what had happened, but I didn't know what I was supposed to do. I stayed with you that night after I took care of the body. Was it just an affirmation of life or was I truly comforting you?

Owen's words when you and Tosh were stuck in 1941 hurt more than they should. "A part time shag?" Not as deep down as one might have expected, I had asked myself that same question many times. I know about your feelings for your namesake and find myself wondering what might have happened if we hadn't gotten you back when we did.

When it seemed that Abbadon had finally killed you for good, I realized that for me what we had wasn't just physical. As Gwen hovered over you in the morgue, I felt lost. The light that protected us all was gone. But when you came back, I hesitated. You just smiled and pulled me into your arms and kissed me. I didn't care if the rest of the team saw us anymore… what they thought. I put my arms around you and held you.

End

_A/N – So what do you think? Any good? I have a couple more ideas already and hope to get them done soon. Hopefully this will break the ice and get my muse back. Reviews are love and always put a big smile on my face._

**Lyrics ****(in case you're interested)**

**Do I hold you?  
****Do I ask you to go, do I touch you?  
****If I dare what I dream would I frighten you?  
****Would I make a scene and cause you to turn away?**

**Do I hold you?  
****Do I ask you to stay, do I kiss you?  
****If I dare what I mean I would find a way  
****To hold you and make you stay in my arms**

**I can't dream at night without seeing you  
****I can't see you standing there and not touch you  
****I can't touch you and not want you  
****I can't forget you no matter what I do**

**I'm not worried  
****That the dark of the night will deceive us  
****For the light of your love and the truth in your touch  
****Will protect us**

**I must hold you  
****I must ask you to stay, I must touch you  
****I don't care what they say, what they think, what they do  
****I must hold you, I must hold you  
****Hold you**


	2. 2 Dear Husband, Dear Wife

**Ianto's Soundtrack - 2**

_A/N – See part one for an explanation on how this "story" is structured._

**Dear Husband, Dear Wife**

She opened her eyes and blinked against the morning sunlight filtering through the blinds. Taking a deep breath to clear the nightmare from her mind, she smiled when she inhaled the sweet scent of fresh brewed coffee. Had it only been a year since they were married? She could learn to live with this. After all they had been through she figured they deserved it.

Her smile broadened when she saw her husband step into the bedroom carrying a tray. She sat up and greeted him with a kiss as he placed the tray on her lap.

"Morning, Ianto."

He smiled as they broke the kiss and sat on the bed next to her. "Good morning, Lisa. Not too much longer." He said has he rubbed his hand in circles on her swollen belly.

She smiled. It was their miracle baby. After Canary Wharf, the doctors weren't sure she would be able to get pregnant. And when she did, there seemed to be complication after complication. She'd been on bed rest for the past month.

Taking a sip of the coffee and savoring it (the doctors allowed her only one caffeinated beverage a day), she sighed. "God, Ianto. If you could only somehow patent your heavenly coffee, we'd be rich."

He laughed. "Yeah, and then I wouldn't be slaving away in some coffee shop all morning and looking for a 'real' job all afternoon." He shifted and laid his head on her belly. "Too bad your dreams aren't real, huh? A perfect world."

She leaned over and stroked her hands though his hair. Yes, they were barely scraping by on his part time job and her government allowance, but they were alive. Of the few survivors of Canary Wharf, they were among the lucky few.

Ianto sighed and reluctantly off the bed. "So much for dreaming, now for reality. Off to serve substandard coffee to happily employed people." He kissed her and smiled before taking the tray away. "I'll see you at lunch when I come home to change." He added as he reached the bedroom door.

She slept fitfully on and off all morning. She always did when Ianto wasn't around. His presence soothed her. The dreams held fragments Torchwood and the destruction of Canary Wharf. She woke desperately afraid of what might have happened if they hadn't escaped. Flipping on the TV she tried in vain to distract herself with mindless daytime television.

Looking at the clock she saw that it was nearly noon. Ianto would be home soon to fix lunch and chat for a while before he had to go on a few interviews that afternoon. She shifted uncomfortably in the bed. Feeling restricted, she tried kicking off the sheets, but they were hopelessly tangled around her feet, pinning her even more to the bed that at times felt like a prison.

She closed her eyes again. The headache that had been slowly building all morning was getting worse. She had hoped sleeping would help, but the nightmares had come. Now it felt like someone was drilling into her brain. Taking a deep breath she squeezed her eyes closed to try to combat the pain. From what seemed like far away, she heard a door open and close. Ianto was home. He would call the hospital.

"Lisa?" She heard his voice. "Are you okay, do you need more pain medication?"

"No it would hurt the baby." She gasped. She could feel his hands on her arms and face. Why wasn't he calling the hospital?

There was silence for a moment. Was something wrong? Had something already happened to their miracle baby? Gradually she felt the pain begin to ebb. Like a numbness spreading across her body.

She felt his lips gently press against hers. "Don't worry, Lisa. It won't be long now. I got the job."

What job, she wondered. When the pain finally subsided she opened her eyes. She saw Ianto's worried face above her. Unable to move, she shifted her gaze beyond his face. Instead of the sun dappled cream walls of their apartment, she saw a dark brick room. She looked down at herself and instead a pregnant belly and legs tangled in white cotton sheets, all she saw was steel.

Before she had a chance to scream, the drugs finally took hold of her. She felt Ianto's lips on hers as she drifted away from the horrors of her new reality.

End

_A/N – Soooooo? Comments and reviews are greatly appreciated._

_This didn't fully wind up keeping with the tone of the song but I kind of like the way it turned out. _

**Lyrics**

**Dear husband, friend and lover  
My home, my strength, my art  
For me there is no other  
I'm lost when we're apart**

**My days are endless winter**  
**At night I'm filled with fear**  
**Each dream a sad reminder**  
**Of when I held you near**

**When the wind moves through this empty arid place**  
**And the seasons start to turn**  
**I'd demand if I could**  
**Demand that you return**

**Dear soul companion, brother**  
**Dear teacher, husband, love**  
**For me there is no other**  
**Dear husband, friend**  
**Dear love**

**Eternal friend and lover**  
**My home, my strength, my art**  
**For me there is no other**  
**I'm lost when we're apart**

**We will triumph over all strife**  
**We will love even in our rage**  
**For together we've found real life**  
**Dear constant friend,**  
**Dear wife**


End file.
